2004/11/08

Winter Blues

How do I start? I suppose it's best to just be simple and to the point. I'm sad. I'm extremely sad. Granted, I've always had my problems with depression but in the past year or so I've been very proud of my growing ability to fight it and get on with my life. Apparently the Winter Blues have come to visit uninvited again leaving me joyless and without my usual lust for life.

I'm looking outside the window and the first sign of white fluff this winter and I want to cry. I see the dishes undone in the kitchen sink and I want to cry. I know that M will be home in an hour and will be upset with my mood and I'm scared and I want to cry.

Now, my boy M, isn't that scary of a person, but you always have to have the love of your life happy with you, don't you? At least most of the time? It's the disappointed look that says "I don't like you 100% right now and I have no understanding of what you're going through so I'll pretend you have PMS so it's easier for me to deal with." I love him. I love him to death. But I wish above all else that he would understand that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain and I can't help it. And that it will be a part of my life as long as I'm breathing, and a part of our life, as long as we're together.

Now, it's not like this all the time. This spell will go away with the promise of a sunny, bright and warm day, but will come back to rear it's ugly head again. It's been building for a couple of weeks now and I never noticed it until the extreme moodiness hit me. I've been wanting to sleep more, eat more, cuddle more, be less sexual, and I have been really bad with my money. Pretty typical signs really. Especially for me. Why didn't I notice earlier? I should know the routine by now.

What to do? Take St. John's Wort? No. I'll be content and not so sad, but I'll still be lazier than sin. Go tanning? No. I'll feel better all around and I'll look healthier, but I don't want to replace the worry of depression with the worry of aging and skin cancer. Go to the doctor? Hell no. Let them put me on eight more medications that don't work and damage my short term memory and concentration or just deal with being a woeful bum for a week every so often? Compared to that, I'd take Winter Blues any day.

Goddamnit I'm not only depressed, but I'm also depressing. I shall take my leave now, but I'll try to make my next post more interesting.

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